I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel, but I honestly don’t even know how I do feel. What we had was a rollercoaster but I have always loved roller coasters. One thing I do know about this situation is that I love you and I don’t think I can ever stop.
It was rough. I have never cried over a boy before, until you. I guess that’s how I knew that I cared about you and how truly special you were to me. I didn’t cry until you called me that Tuesday night, and when I heard you speak I knew it was over. I can’t help but think our relationship didn’t mean as much to you as it did to me… the first sign being that you weren’t prepared to fight for our relationship. The next (out of many) was that you didn’t cry either. And you said so yourself- you are one of the most emotional people in my life. But ever since that call, my emotions were all over the place and I went through grief- I lost someone who I wasn’t prepared to nor did I ever want to. I was sad, I was angry, I talked to you and hoped for more, I was jealous, I was confused. But the most apparent thing I was, was hurt. But the day came- after talking to people that are near and dear to me- where I came to my senses and tied the rope where you left it loose. When breaking up, you had told me that you wanted time to think, and then we could restart as friends and eventually date again. And on Tuesday you told me that, but on Thursday I said I wouldn’t want to date you at all anymore; my first step in moving on. I listened to our songs, drove by places we have been and pictured us there, looked at our photos, typed out texts to you and then deleted them. I allowed myself to be sad, because I knew that was the only way I could even begin to get over you, get over us. Separate you and I in my head. And while doing that, I missed you. I miss you so much. But the difference now, is that I accept the fact that I will never have you back- and now, I am starting to be okay with that. I feel myself again, after you, the pieces of me were jumbled and scattered but I put them back together after not knowing how for a couple days. I want to text you, but you started a conversation with me and then ignored me for two days. That stung, but it was a wake-up call that I needed. I realized, yet another sign, that my absence doesn’t bother you. So I learned how to leave you one opened, and here I sit, writing this on May 8th with you on opened. And of course, I can’t help but think of how you feel, but after your actions I think that picture is painted pretty clear for me. And now I am left with memories of our friendship and the good of our relationship- and I am okay with that. You were my best friend, my confidant, my love, mine. But now, you are my teacher. I will always hear those songs and think of our time when you showed them to me, see those places and see you running behind me, grabbing my waist and the biggest smiles spread across our faces, I will hear an inside joke and think of the day it was made. I will be grateful for our memories. And everytime I hear country music I will hear you in my head singing over it. Those things will happen, and I will be happy.But deep down, I will wish for one mores.
I wish. I wish I could have one more hug, securely wrapped in your arms. I wish we could share one more series of kisses, you not stopping until we got the perfect ‘good’ one. I wish we could have one more nap together, me falling asleep to the rhythm of your heart and feeling the way your body slightly twitched as you fell asleep; you waking up before me and me waking up to you staring at me stroking my head, greeted by a “good morning beautiful,” no matter what time of day it was. I wish we could have one more car ride, me in your passenger seat, my left hand in your right, and us singing country music together. A secret: half the time I just listened to you sing, you have such a beautiful voice even though you deny it. Our car rides were my favorite, two one mores of those wouldn’t be bad. I wish we could have one more prolonged goodbye, so many hugs, kisses, I love you’s, goodbye’s, and drive safe’s. One more movie date. One more meal. One more slow dance in the dark of my room. Just one more I love you. But in reality, those will never happen again. Me, yeah. You, yes. But us? Never again. But it’s not a bad thing, it will be okay. We will look back on those memories and be thankful for our teenage relationship. I will miss you and you will miss me, but that is life. It is not always peachy keen, we can reminisce and be filled with happiness and contentedness of being two teenagers in love.
Today, I sit down and do what I do best: write. I am almost as over you as I will get. Today, it snowed. A sign to me that I needed to do this, writing has always helped me- I can get my thoughts out organized and just how I want to say them. The snow reminded me of our first date. In a Minnesotan snowstorm, I was sick, but you were in love with me- crazy enough to drive to Perkins and I had pancakes and you had a burger. A perfect first date. We held hands, flirted, and had fun. It was nice, but now it is just a nice memory. And that is perfectly okay. Today, I deleted our pictures. I had moved the ones of us being ‘couple-y’ to the My Eyes Only folder on Snapchat because I wasn’t quite ready to let go yet. But today, I was ready. And instead of these thoughts infiltrating my head all day, here they are, on paper. And I realized as I was writing this, sorting out our memories in my head, I had a smile on my face instead of the sadness in my chest that I was so used to feeling associated with those memories. And now, I recognize this feeling of happiness that goes along with how I’m ending this- with a smile on my face.